Donkey of the week - Gary Kubiak

Watching this debacle unfold in Huston was almost painful. Gary Kubiak should be shot in public for this. All you had to do was take a fucking knee Gary. Sure it’s not the glamorous end to games you expected when you took on the job but they call it the victory formation for a reason. Let’s Break this down scientifically, and take a look at things we could have controlled.


Picking up at 3:54 of the 4th quarter - Colts just drove the field for a TD making it 27-17 Huston.

3:54 - The colts have 1 time out remaining at this point. They have just stopped the clock at 3:54 and the Texans face a 3rd and 8 on the Indy 39.

TEXANS TAKE A KNEE.

3:50 – Colts most likely burn final time out here, leaving only the two min warning to stop the clock down 10 in the 4th.

3:50 – TEXANS PUNT. Hopefully out of the end-zone. Either way the Colts (who were averaging 6.0 a punt return) start the drive on their own 20 at 3:45.

Here is where things get tricky. The Colts down 17 in the fourth Quarter with 8:18 on the clock were no doubt in a hurry to get points. They may not have been in the 2 min. Drill but regardless this was not a normal drive. That being said in the 4th quarter the Colts drove the field and scored from their own 20 in 4:14. We will now use that drive as our jumping off point. The Texans will no doubt be playing a deep cover two here to prevent the long ball. However, this is Peyton Manning were talking about here so I will spot the Colts a TD drive here. Peyton whips the Colts 2 min drill into shape and the Colts get a TD with 1:30 left on the clock shaving 2 min off their last TD drive of the 4th.

The score now stands at 27-24. With a 1:30 remaining on the clock. The colts will likely onside kick here. I will give the recovery to Texans. They would have known the kick was coming and the Colts are 0’fer on the season with onside kick recoveries.

1:25 – First down Huston on their own 40. The Colts have no T.O’s remaining.

TEXANS TAKE A KNEE

:55

TEXANS TAKE A KNEE

:25

- Coaches/Players meet at the 50 to exchange pleasantries. Texans win 27-24. Three Knees to victory. The largest leap taken here was what? The Texans recover an onside Kick? Gary Kubiak your donkey of the week


-The Bagel

Oye Como Va - ALDS Game 2

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How's Ya Morals Guy ?

Hey! Well it turns out you’re a scum bag. Yes you’ve slept your way through every slut in your complex, the girl’s field hockey team, and most of the B squad at Balloons. Along the way you were lucky enough to snag a scorching case of herpes as well. Fortunately, you just so happen to be the top medical researcher in the region. A few late nights at the lab and BAM, fucking cure for herpes my man.

Could there be any better motivation to cure a painful and embarrassing disease than actually having it? There’s only one thing you can think about when you got the herp and that’s curing the herp.

So now you can stop going to “the meetings” right? Wrong. You’ve been cleaning up at these things, and bonus you can nail all these chicks raw dog because you got the same std’s. Nailing some broad with the herp isn’t going to make your dick fall off any faster right? These girls need it too, most dudes can smell a herp ridden broad from a country mile (except you), so what do you do?

You have the cure to one of the most embarrassing and blatantly obvious (during a flare up) STD’s on the planet. You were two seconds away from ending those annoying valtrex commercials and yet you find your self at a cross roads. Do I cure the herp or do I nail slutty herp ridden chicks with no bag and then cure myself on the weekend to do the same to herp free chicks? Me…..I’m already in the lab cooking up a cure for AIDS because those chicks are mad easy, and you don’t have to worry about them calling you out of the blue in a few years.

The Bagel

Live Blog Gm. 1

Alright unless you were signed on live last night, in game, the live game blog could look a little crazy. This is the repost and reordered edition for your veiwing pleasure. Id also like to apologize for my 4th innning puss out but posting from the phone was fucking gay. We'll get Lens laptop dusted off and be back for game 2.

Take a sip of Rum.


game one innings 1-2
ok this is a serious test of your local broadcast system. game one live blog.Lowell just ended a first inning jam. Lester has had bigger problems with his chemo drip bag. who ever the hell this announcer is said it best, let Lester get settled and your fucked. true. see you after inning two

take a sip of rum.

quick question if your john lackey why don't you just get a grill? your bottom teeth make you look like a fucking piranha, chicks deffinitly love ole snaggle tooth going down town on them.

Mike Lowell is up with two out in the top of the second his facial hair is upsettingly unkempt.


Craig Sager is here folks! Someone told this homo it was ok to wear a red jacket against a red wall. thanks for the cancer info chuck

ground out for Lester. Lowell does a quick spick two step and tosses out Ibar. inning over. I may switch to inning by inning coverage. my little brother Owen and his friends (what’s up pine dale) maybe the only ones who realize.


bot third
well just deleted the whole top half of the third inning blog. long story short Big Papi big pop out. Im also now referring to the color announcer as fan fav. mr.hardmorning.

Texeria your rude enjoy your spaghetti. another K for Lester. Two down for the sox.

take a sip of rum.

is Vald black or Latin? Jed can't figure it out either. he's clearly a racist . Costly error pal.
Tori hunter on the other hand......darkness.

Aaaaaand Tori hunter says fuck your couch john Lester.

ok 1-0 laa.


top 4th inn
wow Jason bay really? Second K. And honestly Mr.Hardmorning its John Lackey not Nolan Ryan. Get off your knees for a quick second its tbs for christ sake you can't throat a cock on cable tv

sox get delt with


bot 4th
Lester is straight dealing.

thanks Terry for that gem during the in game interview 'if that run is going to be the difference we need to make it not the difference' that's coaching gold take note Kiffin family.

side note the live game blog test is over.

take a sip of rum

Trying to post from the telephone sucks. We’ll be back for game two from a lap top.


-The Bagel

Happy Saturday

A Few First Impressions...And Some Thoughts on Our Founding Father

Well, they've done it again. I've been left here by The Bagel and Junior, in the unenviable position of having to follow up on thier posts. Seriously? this blog has been up for like 3 days and Im already screwed.

Its like that feeling you get after a double feature of Super Troopers and Shindlers List. One minute, everything is hilarious, I'm reading about the 10 best pisses in your life and having fond memories of each of those 10 instances and more...Then Junior sneaks up on you like fuckin Bogs from the Shawshank Redemption and suddenly Im very, very down....if you know what I mean. I dunno whether to laugh my ass off or take out all the money in my 401K and hang myself...How can I follow that up?

lets give it a go...

You may have noticed the unique name of our nice little piece of the interweb here. LensDownSt is really just one big tribute to two things: Boston and Len Bias. Boston, for obvious reasons but Why Len Bias? well we wanted to be original and pay homage to an athlete that never reached his full potential and somehow tie everything back to Boston, the greatest city in the world.

Why not Reggie Lewis, or Travis Roy ( too soon? ) or Tony C or Blaine Lacher or any of the number of athletes that fit here? Well, as Im sure you will see in the posts ahead, Len Bias was an individual that shares two big things in common with everyone you'll read on this site. He was an athlete and he apparently loved to party. But most importantly, Len Bias was a fucking champion. He may not have won any NBA titles and he certainly did not win any fashion contests (is that suit 300 threadcount Len? Egyptian Cotton? Just wondering) No, Len Bias got to go out better than any of us ever will.

Len was the first round pick (second overall) in 1986 of the greatest basketball team ever, the Boston Celtics. Fuckin Awesome. He was so fired about this that he then proceeded to party like it was 1989 and do so much coke he didnt wake up the next day.Unbearable Tragedy? Perhaps. Great way to go out on top? Abso fuckin lutely.

The guy knew how to kick ass on the court and he partied like a rockstar...and for that he gets this half assed blog..

So when you check back here in the future for funny anecdotes, stories about drinking too much, or just general Bull Shit to get us through the day at work, just remember...Len Was Always Down...

Top 10 Best Piss's of Your Life

Here on Lensdown St. we are huge fans of the top 10 list and here’s another. Top 10 best Piss’s of your life.

10.) First real piss, a legit mile stone here. It’s tough to elaborate more since most of us don’t remember. Congrats Champ you found the toilet. Pissing yourself sucked anyways.

9.) Good morning wood piss. The only piss to make the list that doesn’t involve a toilet. There’s nothing worse than trying to wrestle your wood down to take a badly needed piss in the A.M. Your dick just lived through 6 hours of porno dreams and while you don’t remember them he sure as shit does. That’s why this particular piss takes place in the shower. Yes, nothing sends Mr. Hardmorning on his way faster than a nice fountain esqe piss in the shower. Sweet relief.

8.) The ninja. This one is definitely better described with a story. My buddy Matty was walking into a Springsteen concert with us this last summer and it started pouring rain. Matty deiced to forgo the handy houses along the trail and simple piss in his denim shorts. Here’s the beauty my friends, no one fucking noticed! We were drenched and dripping rain. Matty was drenched and dripping rain as well, but with a shit eating grin and a warm set of boxer shorts.

7.) Your first drunk piss. Not after a beer or two but drunk. That one where you bounce back and fourth up the basement stairs of your buddies house to the pisser. You’ve been drinking nothing but peach schnapps and warm coronas you scabbed off his dad all afternoon, and now its time to make room for more. Most will tell you that alcohol dulls the senses, which is why you’re a champ in the sack after 7-23 beers, but this is different. Put your hand up on that wall and enjoy.

6.) The two week relief piss. Congratulations it’s been two weeks and it still doesn’t burn. Your spring break in Panama ended 14 days ago but you’ve been a little worried ever since. Sure she was prolly from “just Mexico” rather than New Mexico State and yes her nips were a tad dark for your liking. It’s the fact that her down town looked like the turkey left on the platter at the end of Thanksgiving dinner that worried you. No ill will here Rosaria thanks for the memories.


5.) Piss after explosive dump. This is one of those situations where the natural order of things gets reversed. Normally when you post up for a dump you take care of the piss up front to free up your hands for a news paper or Tetris on your cell phone. Not here buddy, you’ve waited to long for that type of leisure this is strictly a business venture. However, the piss after is one of the most relaxing you’ll ever take. It’s like getting back to the mess hall for a Steak Dinner after a knock down drag out fire fight on the streets of Fallujah.

4.) The Edward 40 hands piss. There is no doubt the ranking of this piss will be hotly disputed. Some dudes are into it and others aren’t. I myself can’t think of a hotter way to take a piss than with the hand of a nice young lady taking care of any manual labor involved.


3.) First Blow Job Piss. Not a lot to say here, this is a moment of accomplishment for you and your dick. Another classic hand on the wall piss, enjoy it together you earned it.

2.) First Big Boy Piss. So your dad brought you to a Sox game and you feel you’re ready to step up to the urinal instead of waiting for the stall like a pussy. This is a big moment and there’s a lot of urinal etiquette you need to learn real fast. Now let me qualify this by saying if you drop your pants to your ankles for this you clearly weren’t ready for the Big’s kid. I could write a whole different entry on these weirdo’s. Good luck guys, you have it a lot easier than those who learned to piss in the “troughs” at Fenway.

1.) First time you hit the cheese cake factory piss. There really wasn’t a lot of build up here I think most new this was coming. This is another moment for you and your member. Clearly a hand on the wall piss as well. This is one of the biggest moments of your life pal and in the seconds after the deed is done your first alone time to look in the mirror at the stud staring back. You fucked the shit out of her now take a piss and take a bow.



-The Bagel

Financial Crisis

Blah blah blah Junior's a whiny bitch. Must have been listening to PJ too much. Deleted.

Why you should be a Bruins fan

We all know that the Bruins season is about to officially on Oct. 9th. Of the hockey fans I know, most of us are Bruins fans, and at least one of us is a dirty Canadiens fan. However, it doesn't seem like a lot of my friends, or the Boston area in general, are excited for the Bruins to start. I am discouraged and disheartened by this.

The other day I was lamenting this very fact. I was approached by two guys, who noticed that I was visibly upset. They asked me what could be the matter. I asked them "Be you angels?"

They said "Nay. We are but men. Rock!"

It was then that I realized I needed to spread the word. I present to you 10 reasons why you should be a Bruins fan.

1. Asian reporter Naoko Funayama (pictured). Learn to love her. NESN did.

2. They have the "utes". Seriously, this team is loaded with young talent. Players such as Kessel, Lucic (pronounced Loochich, or Loooooooooch), Krejci, Wideman, Bergeron, Sobotka, and Lashoff are all under the age of 25. These guys will be on the team for a while, are incredibly fun to watch, and incredibly awkward in front of the camera.

3. Loooooooooch. See, told you that's how it's pronounced. This guy is a reason on his own. Remember Cam Neely? He who was unstoppable in NHL '94? Lucic is the closest thing to a modern day Neely as you will find. He hits more people than Plaxico Burress, and can score more than Mark Elia with a pocketful of 20's in Amsterdam. Ok, maybe not that much. Seriously though, the kid's great.




4. That made me think. NHL '94 is the greatest video hockey game ever. Maybe it's Ice Hockey for Nintendo. I need to spend more time on this. Expect a future post.





5. Tickets. There's a funny thing about Bruins tickets. They're available. Yes, you can actually buy them a week before a game. Unfortunately, a lot of them are expensive. But if you time it right you can get a balcony ticket for about $25. I think that buys you a first down at a Pats game.

The balcony is a great spot to watch hockey, for fans and non-fans alike. You can see the play develop, the glass-line doesn't ruin your vision, and Alex Ovechkin won't try to jump through the glass at you when he scores. Point, balcony.

6. Bandwagon fans. They don't exist. Through 90% of last season, only diehard fans existed. Believe me, I know. I was told to shutup over and over when I tried to engage people in Bruins conversation. When they made the playoffs, though, people were coming to me with questions such as the following:

What's icing? - (the mick's topping of choice)

Who's Clode? - (the coach. he looks like Alfred Hitchcock, the French version sans monacle).

Why does the goalie flop around like a beached whale? (Great question, I've been asking myself that for two years)

Is it always this exciting? (yes, as long as they don't play the Devils)

Needless to say, people appreciate when you know what you're talking about. Plus, it's definitely rewarding when your fandom is rewarded with success.

7. What the hell else are you going to watch in February?

8. Playoff hockey. Nothing beats it. Best theatre in sports. Game 6 of the series vs. the Canadiens last year was one of the best sports experiences I've ever had. I legitimately know 3 non-hockey fans who saw that, and were amazed. Then they asked me to stop drooling and leave the bar. It's a good thing Game 7 never happened. You hear me!!! I couldn't go this whole list without one Sports Guy ripoff!!!!

9. No more Rob Simpson. He was the creepy, shaggy-haired moron who looked less comfortable in front of a camera than Schlonger with a shirt off. He brought nothing to the table and had no future. His firing means that NESN could hire...

10. Asian reporter Naoko Funayama. You love her already. Mission accomplished.

A Short Introduction and Disclaimer

Hello all and welcome to our little corner of Boston, Lensdown St. A place where anything can happen and the street is lined with bars, skanks, and magic. Before we start our journey together I would like to share a little about myself. I am a graduate of the University of Massachusetts at Dartmouth where I earned a degree in political science. I am also a young up and comer in the Republican Party. I am slated for political greatness and power. It was once said of my hair by fellow Republican Mitt Romney “His quaff is so pristine and awe inspiring that it could just solve our current economic crisis”.

However, I am not here simply to recant what other great men have said of my flow, but rather to offer a small sample of blogs to come and more importantly a disclaimer to safe guard my political future. Things said here in this blog could get ugly. I would like to preface this by saying any bigotry, sexist, raciest, ageist, or hateful statements, any flagrantly conservative or outlandish points of view, any fart jokes, noises, or actual farts, along with any full frontal nudity, or bestiality references are intended in the spirit of humor. I cant imagine how damaging it would be to my run at the white house to have a comment I made about some old ass Mexican whore who farted loudly when the donkey pulled out thrown back at my campaign. The truth is I find donkey shows to be a terrible waste of money and abusive to animals. In fact I’ve never even been to Mexico, I can’t stand the smell.

Look at me I’m already rambling on here and it’s only my first post. I guess what I’m trying to say here is most everything done said or shown on this blog is intended to be tongue and cheek. Please enjoy. I look forward to your candor and comments if we can figure out the technology to let you give them.

-The Bagel